The first weeks of the summer holidays, and impending birthdays, and a whole range of 'are we old enough to do this?' type questions have brought pre-teen parenting issues into slightly sharper focus recently. As something for the dim and distant future it always felt a bit scary, but as it edges closer I realise that it's a time when children really start to blossom into the people they are going to be and it's fascinating to see all the bits coming together; ideas being tried out and thrown away, interests coming and going, bravery tested, sensitivity dallied with, the whole process of working out whether your parents are cool or not (Tuesday - yes, Wednesday - no). It's a challenging and fast-paced time, for you as a parent as well as them and keeping up the communication as it all thunders by feels very important.
It made me think about the book that I first read as part of my teacher training which talks about Transactional Analysis and (very briefly and inadequately - see link above for more info) the idea that individuals are all made up of three parts; the Parent, the Adult, and the Child.
The Parent consists of a whole body of information and directives that have been 'passed on' to you in your early life in conscious and unconscious ways.
The Child part is the 'feeling' non-verbal part of your makeup which is also 'set' very early on in life as a response to your particular environment and experience.
The Adult part of you is essentially a computer which processes all of this data in the context of the present reality. The Adult decides what to do about things. The Adult is developed from a very young age, as soon as a baby is able to start making decisions and choices.
With some (many?) people the Adult part of them is undeveloped and their actions are a direct result of 'what they've been told' or prejudice (acting in their Parent) or acting as a direct result of their feelings of anger, hurt or fear in a fight or flight way (acting in their Child). The idea of the Adult allows a step back (or step up?), an opportunity to think and the possibility of building yourself freed from, but with the full knowledge of the benefits of, your past.
Another important point that the book makes is that the early position that every individual has is the 'I'm not O.K - You're O.K' position. This reflects the complete dependence that every baby experiences at the hands of an all-powerful being at the beginning of their life. The book goes on to describe how it is only through the development of an 'Adult' that an individual can change its position to an 'I'm O.K - You're O.K' position where transactions can be productive and creative. Holding on to the 'I'm not O.K - You're O.K' position causes people problems in relationships, their behaviour either confirming this position (which feels bad) or putting other people down (which gives temporary relief from feeling bad)
It seemed to me that my pre-teens were going through a particularly intense period of this kind of thing, but that it was something that all of us at any age could learn from. I'm re-reading the book(s), and talking to them about what Adult, Parent and Child mean in this context and hopefully will have some tools before long to talk about the journeys ahead - ours and theirs.
